Words... Just words...
I lost a piece of my soul last night.
For nearly the last two years of my life I have lived within a world
of hollow words. I have taken the only thing I know how to do
well and made noise across the country to raise awareness about PTSD
and veteran suicide. I armed myself with a guitar and my voice and
have screamed across the nation the same damn words. Twenty two a
day... Twenty two veterans a day take their own life and last night
my brother became one of those twenty two. A U.S. Marine Corps
veteran and a police officer for nearly twenty years he stood as a
statue to all of us. I was proud to be the brother of jiu jitsu
rolling, name taking, mother fucker! While I traveled the country and
showed my face on tv's everywhere saying the same words I was blind
to realize that our statue was crumbling.
Words....
I don't want you to feel bad for me and
I am in no way asking for sympathy today. I just want to remember my
brother wipe away the anger that rest in me now. I have talked to ten
people in the last few hours and we were all a phone call away...
That is not what this is about. My nephew and nieces will now live
the rest of their life wonder what they did wrong or why daddy
couldn't stay. Still not what this is about. My mother has now in the
last six months lost both her husband of 47 years and her oldest son.
That is not what this is about. The fact that I spent my last 2 years
of life hoping to prevent this tragic end for so many I didn't even
know and was not even aware it was in my face is also not what this
is about.
Just words...
My brother Michael was 9 years older
than me. From a very young age we spoke our own language. I think my
first three words were "fresh milk Mikey". Words like "shub
jubb" were just part of our vocabulary and we didn't give a shit
what anyone thought. He was fucking cool. Like really fucking cool.
He was a trend setter and was always a step ahead of the new hip
shit. He was a star athlete and made Nathan and I both proud to have
him to look up to. For Nathan he would straight whoop a dudes ass and
for me he would take me in the yard and play football or let me sit
on his lap and steer his car. His talents matched his glowing
personality and when he put up 18 points against Williamstown I
remember going to school the next day to brag.
Words...
My childhood rolled seamlessly into my
adolescence as my roll model taught me how to think cool, act cool,
dress cool, and live cool. Mike had just gotten back from the Marine
Corps and had became a cop in my home town. I had became his best
friend, partner in crime, and a really drastic version of extreme
makeover. He taught me how to talk to girls and once I got the hang
of it he gave me a place to take them... (Just kidding mom, that
never happened;) If I'm honest I'm pretty sure we high five'd our way
through the late nineties but he was never hesitant to whip my ass
when I wondered off course. he was on a pedestal to me and to ever
reach that height would have been to have really made it in life.
Just words...
He could have called... No, that is not
what this is about...
I was off to follow the steps of my
Father, Michael and Nathan as I had signed on the dotted line and was
bound to God, Country and Corps. It was pep talks from both of my
brothers that assured I would walk that grinder in Paris Island and
would forever wear the title Marine. I was a child but I knew if
Mikey and Nate told me it was the right thing to do then I was going
to do. It was a time in life before my nuts had dropped and someone
had to make sure I didn't shit my life away. Dad was my my heart but
they were my fist as I swung my tiny arms into manhood.
Words..
My leave breaks usually ended with
pissing him off as I would call him at 3AM drunk and crashed into a
creek bed with nobody to turn to. Nobody but my Mikey. I took as many
tongue lashing as I did ass whippings from him and I promise all of
those fucking hurt. But hey I did make you cry when I surprised you
at your wedding in my dress blues when you thought I had already left
for deployment. That was the real shit. My Mikey needed me that day
and fuck if I was gonna miss it. I'm pretty sure I fucked that night
up too but that is a whole different story.
Words... Heavy words..
My combat deployment fucked us all up.
Michael and Nathan wished they were in my place and dad wished
Michael and Nathan were in my place. (it's ok to laugh here but it
is true) I was still a fuck up and was the only one in the family
that showed emotions. It always labeled me as weak but as I strapped
up my boots and charged head first to Iraq I knew something that none
of the rest of the family knew... Being the last wolf in the pack
does not make you the weakest. I had filled my ruck sack with my
father's heart and his will to survive, with Michael's wisdom and
ability to think faster than anyone I know when shit went bad and
with Nathan's lack of give a damn that made it easy to pull the
trigger when needed. On top of these x-men like powers that I brought
with me I brought my own and my mothers compassion that let me love
those that surrounded my enemies and care about why I was fighting.
Just....
The shit of it is I had discovered who
I was as a man but fuck if it didn't throw off the feeding order of
the pack. Where I once stood idle and cleaned up the scraps of the
pack leader and his two massive beast I had become a beast myself and
was fucking hungry. In times of despair we would circle around one
another and posture to see who would take the first bite before the
fight began. Fuck... Why did I do that? After we lost dad Mike was
the leader of the family and had proven that. He had fucking raised
me, coached my sports and taught me what a cliterous was. ( very
interesting editorial "aim high lick the little man in the
boat") none of this is what this is about.
Words..
We had some damn good times. To be
honest we high five'd through the early 2000's. As time passed and we
became dads and started family's and some of us took second try's at
it there was no doubt that Michael and his influence shined brightly
again as he shined as a father. No matter how much hell those
children went through they had their daddy, my Mikey, to show them
the way. To sing, dance, and down right act a fool as he, until
yesterday, was raising 4 amazing children.
Why? Fuck? No, that is not what this is
about.
Mom, we will get through this and
Nathan, know that you are now my pack leader and we need to sharpen
our teeth to protect this family. This stops here. But that is not
what this is about.
Just words?
I could spend the rest of the day
talking about all the great times we had growing together. He was my
bilge pump when my ship was sinking and I only wish I could have been
the same for him. I love you Mikey and I hope dad has found you so
you can watch over the rest of us together. I promise you I will wear
my heart on my sleeve for the entire world so that we may have a
chance to solve a puzzle that I will never have the chance to solve
for you. I will treat your son and daughters as my own and I will
never let my statue crumble. You will be remembered for your strength
and heart. I may occasionally scream at you in rage.....
Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...but I think I at least deserve
that.
I wish I could have told you how proud I was of you. How I always wanted to be you and could never be that cool. How I never regretted any of my fuck ups because those lessons learned from you will be carried with me forever. To fucking captain and coke, pullin' some sweet titty trim and some fucking 80's pop... "Shub jubb" mother fuckers and "fresh milk Mikey"
Words, fuckin words
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